Want to learn more about setting appropriate limits and how to responde when those limits are broken? Come to the next Incredible Years.
Ask Philip and he’ll tell you it is all the dog’s fault. The dog snapped
the head off of his sister’s Barbie doll. The dog trotted off with his
father’s watch. And it was the dog that marked the rec room wall with
crayon. It’s true, the five-year-old swears. "I saw it."
If the lost Seiko wasn’t distressing enough, Phil’s father fears that his
son is turning out to be a little liar and he doesn’t know what to do
about it.
The situation is not as dire as it may seem.
When preschoolers don’t tell the truth, they’re not necessarily lying the
way adults think of it. Sometimes when young children sound like they’re
lying, they’re really pretending, saying something they wish to be true.
Sometimes they’re trying to answer a question they don’t know the answer
to. It is not malicious and it is not unusual.
That’s not to say parents shouldn’t intervene.
Children sometimes need a parent’s help to understand the difference
between what really happened and what they wish would happen. If your
child tells a friend you have a pony in the backyard, you might say:
"No, we don’t have a pony. Do you wish we had a pony?"
If a story is fabricated in response to a problem, it will help to
give the child some responsibility in fixing the problem. Take the
wall Phil marked with crayon. His father might try showing him the wall
and insisting he help wash it clean. He might also ask Phil to explain
how the dog managed to use the crayon.
Children should learn that it is all right to say, "I don’t know.
" They know that questions require answers. They may not realize
that, if true, "I don’t know" is an acceptable answer.
You also need to be honest around your children. If you promise to
watch your child skateboard, follow through and do it. Also, avoid
"little lies" intended to comfort, such as "the shot
the doctor will give you won’t hurt."
Most importantly, teach, encourage, and reward telling the truth.
When your child admits breaking something or doing wrong, even after
denying it at first, say how pleased you are that he or she told the
truth, and even reduce – but don’t necessarily eliminate – the
consequence. In the long run, telling the truth will be much more
important than the crayon marks.
This column is written by Robert B. McCall, Co-Director of the
Office of Child Development and Professor of Psychology, and is provided as a
public service by the Frank and Theresa Caplan Fund for Early Childhood Development
and Parenting Education.