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On Jack’s first visit to his new day care center, the director asked
if he knew his name. "Jack," said the 18-month-old.
"And do you know your last name, Jack?" Jack thought for a
moment, then replied, "Jack Don’t."
His innocent response won a laugh from the day care director, but his
mother felt a pang of guilt. Earlier, she warned the director that
Jack "gets into everything. We’re constantly having to reprimand
him." Now she worried they had been too heavy with the
reprimands.
What Jack most likely needs is at least as much praise for his good
behavior as scolding he receives for the bad. In fact, some
professionals recommend ten times the praise as reprimands.
Praise is often the missing link in home discipline routines. Many
parents limit discipline to scolding and punishment, and think good
behavior doesn’t need to be praised. But good discipline is really
guidance – informing your child what to do and motivating your child
to do it. This requires praise and recognition of accomplishments at
least as much as setting limits and enforcing them. Unfortunately,
some parents are more likely to respond to misbehavior than to
encourage good behavior.
Children learn what they are like – who they are – from other people.
To grow up to be self-confident and believe they are valuable,
lovable, and appreciated, they need to know their parents feel that
way about them.
There are other good reasons for balancing praise and punishment. If
the only time a child hears from mom or dad is when they are upset,
the child may think he or she is a bad person. This is
"squeaky-wheel" parenting. Children may also think that
misbehaving is the only way to get their parents’ attention.
Praising is simple. Catch your child being good and praise him or
her every day.
Be specific. Save, "good boy" or "good girl"
for the dog. Tell your child specifically what he or she did that
pleased, impressed, or excited you. "Thank you for waiting
so quietly while I was on the phone."
Praise immediately. Stop whatever you are doing and praise good
behavior or an important accomplishment. If you wait, the praise
will not be as effective.
Praise a specific task, such as brushing teeth, every time at
first, but less often later when it becomes frequent or part of
the child’s routine. This strategy promotes the desired behavior
better than praising every time.
And don’t limit your praise to words alone. Enthusiasm, having
fun together, a proud smile, hug, or high-five also say to your
child that you have noticed and you are pleased.
This column is written by Robert B. McCall, Co-Director of the
Office of Child Development and Professor of Psychology, and is provided as a
public service by the Frank and Theresa Caplan Fund for Early Childhood Development
and Parenting Education.