To learn about others ways set limits for children, sign up for the McKean County Strengthening Families Program or the Incredible Years.
Debbie and Randy post the rules of the house on the refrigerator, all 47
of them. One sheet lists 25 rules; a second lists 22. Each rule begins
with the word, no. They expect their two children to follow these rules
to the letter. Most of the time they do not.
The couple’s instincts are sound. Setting clear rules and limits for
children is important and should be done. It is their approach that is
a bit overwhelming.
They have far too many rules. At the office, Debbie and Randy are middle
managers. They know rules, abide by rules, write rules, enforce rules.
But at home, they’re dealing with a five-year-old and an 11-year-old.
They only need a few rules, not an employee handbook.
Sometimes it is hard for children to remember what the rules are. They
have a set at school, at home, and the rules may be different at grandma’s
house. Parents should pick only the most important ones, the ones they
are willing and able to enforce.
Chose five or six major rules your children need to work on. Important
ones, such as, "No jumping on the bed," if that is a serious
problem. When jumping on the bed is no longer a problem, replace it with
a new rule.
Rules should be reasonable and age-appropriate. If short separate lists
for each child are necessary, use them. Make it as easy as possible for
kids to follow.
Also write down what will happen if the rule is broken. Rules and
consequences should be discussed with the children. That means you must
decide the punishment before posting the rule, not at the time of the
infraction. When a rule is broken, stick to the prescribed punishment.
If the punishment needs to be revised, wait a few days, then discuss the
new one with your child.
Listing what kids should do is a more positive approach than listing
everything they should not do. "Disagree politely," may be
better than, "Don’t talk back," for example. But some things,
like jumping on the bed, are simply "no’s."
When a rule is broken, follow through calmly, but firmly, with the
consequence – every time. No exceptions, no warnings, no maybes.
Now, the tough part. Show your children that you obey rules too, not
only the children’s rules – no swearing, for example – but also adult
rules, such as obeying the speed limit. The police may not be watching,
but your children are.
This column is written by Robert B. McCall, Co-Director of the
Office of Child Development and Professor of Psychology, and is provided as a
public service by the Frank and Theresa Caplan Fund for Early Childhood Development
and Parenting Education.