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The last one started over whether Ann should wear a sundress to
Grandma’s.
Ann, 5, preferred shorts and a beaded top. Her sister, Julie,
recommended the yellow sundress. Julie, at age 11, is a student of
fashion and offers her expert advice on such matters pro bono. The
shorts and beaded top, she told Ann, "Looks so stupid."
Ann thanked her with a slap. Julie responded with one of her own.
To be sure, there are times when the tender, considerate play among
the two sisters sends Mom and Dad searching for the camera. But too
often, those Kodak Moments seem like tiny islands in a sea of constant
bickering.
Is this a matter for concern? The slapping, perhaps. But siblings
battle one another, sometimes quite frequently. Most parents say their
children fight and nearly one in three report they fight often. While
sibling fights are common, even natural, there are some things parents
can do that might help.
First, don’t try to break up every fight that erupts. Children must
learn how to deal with conflict. But when there is a risk of injury,
step in and referee.
Setting a few house rules about sibling disputes is a good idea. Spell
out the kinds of behaviors that will not be tolerated. A "no
slapping or hitting" rule, for example.
Kids should know that if they violate a rule, Mom and Dad will intervene
and it won’t be pleasant. And Mom and Dad should follow a few basic rules
themselves.
Let’s say the no-slap rule is broken. Don’t ask, "Who started
it?" Children, like politicians, have a great capacity for
steadfast denial. Punish both equally. For young children, a "time
out" works best. Segregate each child in a separate area for three
to five minutes. If they talk or leave, extend the time out. If they
behave, allow them to leave when the time is up.
For children about age 8 and older, denying them privileges, such as
watching television or listening to music, is more effective. Sentencing
them to extra household chores is another effective punishment for older
children.
Whatever you decide, don’t let them off the hook with just punishment.
Talk to them about the argument and how they think they might better
handle their next dispute. Remember, fighting can be an opportunity for you
to teach children how to settle disputes in acceptable ways.
This column is written by Robert B. McCall, Co-Director of the
Office of Child Development and Professor of Psychology, and is provided as a
public service by the Frank and Theresa Caplan Fund for Early Childhood Development
and Parenting Education.