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Luke got into his mother’s makeup and painted his face – and the walls. He
toppled his father’s wine a few days earlier, overturned a plate of hors
d’oeuvres, and made mud pies with the dog’s food.
The 15-month-old is a terror, his parents confess, but what can they do?
He is still too young to discipline, isn’t he?
Not at all. This 15-month-old is very much ready for discipline, and the
sooner, the better.
Discipline should be seen as guidance, which is more gentle, helpful, and
supportive than punishment. It implies teaching – teaching children what
they should do as well as what they should not do. It means praise as
well as reprimand.
Discipline, but not punishment, can start early. After the age of
approximately six months, for example, infants may cry deliberately to
get attention. You can tell that’s what they want if they cry without
tears, pause, and look to see if you noticed. If you want to discourage
that behavior, simply ignore it.
Discipline becomes more important when children get older, such as when
they begin to crawl and get into things they shouldn’t.
Most parents deal with bad behavior on the fly, sometimes reacting
impulsively. It is better for parents to think ahead about their attitudes
toward discipline and how they intend to implement it.
But being a guiding teacher rather than a policeman doesn’t mean you allow
children to do anything they want. You still have rules and you enforce them.
But spanking is a type of punishment and is not the best enforcer of rules.
Spanking is an abuse of your adult power and can harm the relationship between
you and your child. It sends the wrong message by showing a child that when
someone does something you don’t like, you hit them.
Instead, parents with younger children, such as Luke, should try stopping an
undesirable behavior and then encouraging more appropriate activities. For
example, for a one-year-old who is playing with the dog food, pick up the
child and hold him or her gently, but firmly. Look the child in the eye and
say seriously, but not in anger, “No.” Then, take the child to another room,
encourage play with toys, and then tell or show your child “yes.”
Distraction works better with young children. You’ll have a better
relationship with your child, and you won’t feel lousy like many parents
do after they spank.
This column is written by Robert B. McCall, Co-Director of the
Office of Child Development and Professor of Psychology, and is provided as a
public service by the Frank and Theresa Caplan Fund for Early Childhood Development
and Parenting Education.